Anna-Marie With Her Shotgun -- Part Twenty Three -- Hemato-Tomato -- Memories Of Lost Children

I would get constant erections from blond girls with cat eye glasses, getting it in the neck from a guillotine gun. Shot with a paralyzing agent, I shot the blade as quickly as I could, to minimize the amount of pain that my vampires would experience. Because unlike these monsters, I actually had concern for their well being. Even if that meant putting their heads on a wooden stick, sticking it in the ground, and watch as others paraded it around town. But in my minds eye, there heads would roll in my lap.

I would remembers the sweet angels scream.

And I would feel like ending it all. Anna-Marie never did anything to be beheaded for, and yet I had let my father kill her, and there was still a part of me that could not forgive myself for her death. Even if in the legal sense it was not my fault. There were hints, in my early years, that I may become like this. But I didn't want this to be my destiny.

I was a shell without my soul.

I wanted to be under the knife.

When you attempt suicide, some people assume the world will stop for you. The reality is, when you're lying down, bloody on the floor, there is a part of you that wanted to die more quickly, so it's basically a non issue. Instead one lingers, inside of the dirty floor of a motel room, with your hand reaching out ... searching for someone to take you to the hospital. But being treated as essentially a non person.

Ultimately, I began to make peace with the idea that I would eventually bleed to death. Made peace with the fact that I would never see Anna-Marie again, and simply make my death more comfortable. But I was dizzy and tired, and I couldn't stand up straight. I had not cut my own head off, but injured myself. I needed a bandage, but I was several miles from the hospital. Hope fading nightly, lying on the floor. And yet in the darkness, was the spirit of Anna-Marie, who reached out a hand guided me into the light.

But as I walked outside, there was nobody there.

There was only the sound of my own inner madness.

For my lost Anna-Marie.

 

It was eighth grade I started developing my other interest in other girls. Birkenstock Boston Clogs had developed something of a cult status, since two thousand and three. One girl who wore them, who was not Anna-Marie, would always be wearing these with long light gray socks. Yet she dressed like a soccer player, and would always flirt with me. We had known each other since fifth grade, when she was a lot more shy. Apparently, over the last few years up to that point, she had either developed a crush on me, or mastered the art of being so sarcastic, it wasn't really clear whether she was being sarcastic.

In her early years, she had long curly blond hair. You could say she was my proto-Anna-Marie. But she would dress in a way that was decidedly more formal than the rest of the girls in my class period. There was also Bianca, who was almost entirely the opposite. Both of them would grow into a kind of bizarre jealousy I had try to hide, and never really addressed. But Sara, without the H, would always dress her best, for any occasion. I took it as somewhat of a shock that she would dress as someone athletic, as it was never something that I had expected out of her. But then again, there was a lot inside me I had hidden from the world as well. Such as my interest in decapitation, and the flowing of gentle blood on the fingertips.

Combine with meeting the Spanish girl, I had the preconditions for not particularly caring for girls who were either overly blond haired, or overly black haired. Bianca had a father whom came from Southern Spain, so she was closer to Spanish than she was Americana. For me, Livier was almost perfection, but I was unsure how to take her personality at the time. Part of my skepticism was whether Livier, if I ever met again, whether she would continue to accept me despite my conditions, that's condition in the plural. Because I was both trans, and liked the flow of severed necks, and rolling the tongue upon luscious fictional cheeks, from some pulp dime novel imported from Mexico. But for the time being, I admired her innocence.

It was something I never had.

Yet here I am now, hunting vampires, on the edge of sanity. I found myself outside of a ruined building. There was an anonymous burial put, where different abandoned broken toys went before they were cremated in a giant factory urn, melted down, to be used to make more toys, for not disillusioned children.

I heard a voice calling me in the smoke filled sky.

It was the laughing of children. And a Silhouette, Anna-Maire. Who stuck out like a sore thumb. Her ghost of another time, always a step ahead of me. She would pointed her skeletal fingers at me, calling my name.

And it's impossible to resist.

She beckons me.

posted by JustSarah @ 22nd Sep 2018, 9:51 PM


Anna-Marie With Her Shotgun -- Part Twenty Two -- Hemato-Tomato -- Ero Guro Latte Machine

Previously, in an extra measure to extend the suffering of those sentenced to decapitation by guillotine, when France had taken control of the once United States, they had created a special kind of guillotine prior to the invention of the Guillotine Gun. This method of decapitation, had special rests for the arms, such that, prior to the victim being beheaded, they would drive blunt screws into their wrists, much in the same way back in the middle ages, torturers would use thumb screws to extra confessions. This was generally used for specific political crimes, such as those involving espionage and information gathering from rival American states. Even if the guillotined continued to be relatively quick, the executioner would delay their execution as long as possible in order to make the ordeal as painful as possible to extract the most information. The only reason Anna-Marie never underwent this, was do to the grace of being female.

Receiving special treatment on account of being female, is hardly a unique thing for the Twenty First century; during the middle ages women were generally burnt at the stake, rather than drawn and quartered for this very reason. Often, in cases where sentences were commuted, this would mean that women would most frequently be commuted to merely being beheaded, back when drawing and quartering was on the book. When it came to around the long nineteenth century, women continued to get largely preferential treatment. This continued into the great war era, when France would commute most women's sentences to life in prison, while the men were still, in some cases, even publicly beheaded by guillotine. This meant that, up until the Vicci era, women were largely immune from having their heads taken off.

This changed when Marine La Pen became La Presidente, when The Far Right wing began to take control of the French government. She had initially lost in 2017, but ran took control of France in a Coup, leaving much of the Left Wing establishment in shambles. She undid much of the Pro LGBT legislation that was on the books, resulting in many Gay, Lesbian, and Trans women sent to similar containment camps as Muslim people, as they would often fight against the treatment of such people. The old slang term for French People was Frog; Marine La Pen was a gigantic demonic toad, whose ice cold blood could cut through you like a stone. Such was the reason the Anna-Marie was glad that her family had moved from France when they did; she was never sure how to tell her family that she was into girls.

My case was equally tricky; for many years I had mostly considered myself into women, but recently I had become more open about being into guys, resulting in considerable confusion as a trans woman about the kind of people I was into. And by this point, though it was often treated as a way of being anti-French, I was more against the practices of the French death penalty, although technically I was against capital punishment everywhere. So it made my already frazzled personality worse, as I was unsure of whom I could trust to communicate my real feelings; especially when I knew that in reality, I loved French girls more than anyone else. I tried hiding this by trying to find Dutch women to date, and I still like them very much, but to many there was something about the light olive skin tone, and lemon juice dyed hair, and the gentle shapes of their tender throats, as I wanted to gently bite into their soft juicy necks.

Anna-Marie used to wonder if I'd bite her in the neck. Instead the blade of the Dreadful Climb did. Spraying her blood into the wooden basket.

And leaving me alone to my thoughts.

 

"Oh hey Anna-Marie, what's up?" I asked. I remembered the first time that was had dated.

"I told you not to let your mind wander around me." said she. She hopped on top of my on the floor of my room when my mom wasn't home, all my worries fading away as if they were merely nothing to be concerned about. "I can't date someone who likes dead girls." She noticed the look of horror on my face. "Sorry, I'm just kidding."

I didn't like dead girls, what I liked was blood. Not sure what this girl's issue was, who sounded like she came from the hood. But I knew that she would always be there for me, or at least I had hoped. Because she was my Anna-Marie.

My Anna-Marie, who was always there.

To set my soul free.

In high school I would visit the ero guro latte machine, purchasing a copy of gorno anime along with a nice cup of vanilla hot latte. Ero Guro was a literary genre that came out of Japan, the original idea being the "beauty in the ugly." But had gradually came to mind the fertilization of mutilation and other graphic content. But for me, I didn't care for the disembowelment, for a multitude of differing factors. But the main one was that generally I only liked severed necks, and the blood that would gush out of them.

Anna-Marie would never say anything, but it was a topic that we always tended to avoid. We would talk about other things, like the most current movie we watched on a Saturday night, such as Another Man, Another Chance. I never liked westerns growing up, but made a special exception for French girls.

Yet inside, there was a darker reason.

Something that I had kept from the innocence of the world. I would fantasize about ordering a side of severed French girl's head, recline with it on the bed. And dream dreams of sweet little angels screaming, before their heads drop. Yet the Ero Guro latte machine, would always be a whirring, when my old man was stirring. And I knew, despite the darkest nature of my myself, that I wanted to protect my girl from my dad.

The girl as by Annabelle Lee.

And those seraphs I would I beheaded on a guillotine, would visit me in dreams, and give me sweet teddy bears, as a form of peace offering, as wedding gift between me and my Anna-Marie. It was then that I had decided, against all the loss of my hope.

That we were married in death.

posted by JustSarah @ 22nd Sep 2018, 9:49 PM


Anna-Marie With Her Shotgun -- Part Twenty -- Hemato-Tomato -- A Rose In Her Hair

Anna-Marie's severed head was not traditionally beautiful.

She had very long curly blond locks, with a flower in her hair. At times I think I see life in her eyes, and yet I can never be certain. Is that what a severed head looks like? I thought, because it was far more beautiful, and yet more tragic than I ever imagined. When I stared into her face, seeking comfort and love, I thought of the times that we could have had together. At times I do her make up for her, even though I've never been good at putting it on myself. God damn, do I miss her. I miss everything about her.

And yet now, she is here with me always.

You might be surprised how easy it is to hide a person's severed head. Especially if the state already considers them to be dead. To think that I could finally fulfill my desire, and yet this desire feels so empty and sad. There are times when I wonder, quietly, as i write notes to my publisher, why it is I chose to waste my life. There was a time when I had wanted to go horse back riding with her, but we lived in a time when there was no more need for the chevaul. When I was hiding from my parents, I visited the lack that we used to spend together, and I would keep her severed head besides me, hoping that there would be something that could bring her back. I brought my favorite sub sandwiches, but I could not be genial to a severed head.

Is this the point that we all come to?

When I've seen the dead.

 

For a long time I had considered myself without deserve of love. Even when I tried to write middle grade stories, I would have them wear two little wooden shoes and a cotton cap, really more resembling the stereotype of the Dutch rather than the French, although the French had their own version of the wooden clog. But the kinks in my bloodstream kept a flowing, while the cold wind of my dead Anna-Marie was blowing, the ghost of my former girlfriend, and whom I had would someday be my wife.

I had researched that the Dutch used hanging as the traditional method of execution, au contraire to how the French would most typically decapitate you by guillotine after the year 1793, which continued to be used until 1978, only being formally banned around 1981, just eight year prior to my birthday. Holland also some of the best policies for trans women, while France continued to suffer issues related to beating up homosexual men, and issues related to birth certificates for trans women. You might think it would have been an easy choice to choose which country to move to, especially when in the lore of one the French novels, the leading lady would have rather have been hung, than dating the person that crushed on her.

But Anna-Marie was no Esmeralda, contrary to my expectation, but her little bare feet were just as pleasingly plump and wrinkle free. Whose long blond curly locks fall just below her back, couple with a habit of braiding her hair, as a way of choosing not to wear the ridiculously large bows girls from this immigrant culture wore on formal occasions. We had met when my dad still insisted on taking my to church, despite my special brand of atheism. But I wasn't much like other Atheists, with memories of other lives I couldn't explain.

And there in the darkness, was Anna-Marie.

Who, despite my knowing no French, took a chance of me. But for me, I was so stuck inside of myself, that I couldn't see the obvious.

Now I wish to set my soul free.

posted by JustSarah @ 22nd Sep 2018, 9:46 PM


Anna-Marie With Her Shotgun -- Part Nineteen -- A Sense Of Hate And Despair

 

If I could describe myself, it is something similar to the offspring of Elizabeth Bathory crossed over with Camilla. I didn't use to think I could date a girl outside the web. Given the nature of my condition, for loving women with their heads cut off, their heads rolling into a wicker basket, you might not think I'd love a girl outside of Le Guillotine Familla. I live just a few yards into the twenty first century, and I can still here the screams of women pleading for their lives in the various revolutions of France.

And yet the idea of a girl, whose head would be on a metal slab in the mortuary, was never something I'd think would bother me before. I spent so many nights and days after school masturbating to severed necks, the flow of blueish fluid gradually becoming as dark as a crimson sky, the flow of Flamenco on the piano, to sinister rhymes. Yet the song of the lost children, played in deranged melodies, the song of madness; the song of decay; the song of the damned. The song of a girl crying, while holding the severed head of her once true love. It was with this, that I had made my decision. That I could keep her severed head, and treat her as one of my own children, and run as far away from town as I could.

But the real world was a no man's land, a land where secret police stalk the street. A world where girls wore wooden shoes on their feet, for lack of stores that could sell normal foot ware at a decent price. This was a land of giant cock roaches, the return of hair lice. The return of the old classes in earlier centuries.

I wanted my world to end.

Yet I wanted to end my life on my own terms. I wanted to finish the obligations that I had left as a fiction writer, even if it was only a few autobiographical shorts. But there were some autobiographical facts that people almost never share. A world with no self-realization. That there is a part of us, just like Dracula and Carmilla:

 

Where the new Bastille was rising,

The land of total uprisings.

A land of dirt and decay.

The dead is arising.

And there is no bread to share.

 

I grew a total resentment for the mortal life; the life of crawling into ones own inner cave. A cave where only the good die young, the bandits die younger. And those in between are tossed into a hell in between. I wanted some vague nation, of a distant love beyond masturbation lotion. A girl I could travel Europe with, leave the United States behind. And travel her old country of Alsace. Where the flowers were always blooming, even if it were not the land of the University Of Flowers. Ride on airships and and hot air balloons. And think of soft fluffy teddy bears.

I wanted my life to be beyond anything I ever known.

Anything, but this sense of hate.

posted by JustSarah @ 22nd Sep 2018, 9:43 PM


Anna-Marie With Her Shotgun -- Part Eighteen -- Hemato-Tomato -- The Language Gap

You may wonder, if the technology were available, why I would personally choose not time travel; the reason is simple, whenever I wrote about time travel at a young age, it was a matter of allowing myself the witness the execution of my beloved princess within the pages of a digital LitRPG novel. There was something about the flow of blood, draining from their severed neck. And the feeling of fluid that once gave life feeding my inner core. In traditional Vampire lore, the vampire is the one that drains the blood.

But with the execution of a French girl, her neck slowly lowering into the stock of the guillotine, it was the idea of not having to kill them myself. For deep down, I knew that, as I watched in horror as my father raised up the blade on Anna-Marie, that part of me did not really want them to die. But there was a part of me, despite the desire to not see it happen, that reveled in the eye of seeing ones dark brown almost black locks fall inside the wicker basket, where other revolutionary heads of women have been before. In my own personal lore, I dream of vampire queens, and werewolves Kings. Yet in these dreams of dreams, I knew that, despite my own inner lust for the darkness, that I would never been one of the demons. Midnight eclipse falling, the rotation of the Earth, allowing for a certain gravity lunar frequency for lust. The lust of sharpened bloody axes and angular guillotine blades gone to rust, the flow of gentle B cup breasts covered in genial tears. The best beheading of a French girl I had seen all my years.

But the reality was, I was not a vampire.

I was only one in the desire for blood. But I always hated others, whom never thought twice about killing French girls, my father adapted nicely to his new job as a headsman, after working as a short order cook. "What can I say? I like cooking pork." -- In reference to him sending beheading girls to the dissection chamber of lore. This was not the chamber of disillusioned chamber maids, or the flow of severed braids as younger ones entered the orphanage to sing Roman Catholic hymns inside of a decorative dome. This was not Rome, nor was this France. Now it was the old United States, where France took its place.

We beheaded women in their underpants.

We beheaded them in long flowing dresses, we tore to expose the neck.

And everything in between, disillusioned poodle skirts. The flow of gentle blood squirts, that came from fare ladies whom were once flirts.

We didn't need a hell.

I was already in it.

 

Anna-Marie was the first to understand our language gap, that kept me from being able to make myself try to deal with being around Spanish and French girls, and other Latinas of the European continent. After the French take over, we kept a low key profile. We only met once or twice a week. Even then I had a feeling she was doing things that she never bothered telling me about. Would you be willing to tell an executioner, you were trying to poison your father? In this time, he became increasingly frazzled.

We finally broke up, when I told her, jokingly, that I liked dead girls more than ones still breathing. Even though I didn't like dead girls, what I liked was blood play, the entire misunderstanding made our relationship gradually fall apart. We didn't have a yelling match, but she was constantly afraid to be around me, because she thought I'd cut her head off at any moment, despite doing that would essentially mean going rogue. But I was rogue among other rogues, preferring to sling dagger blades instead of shotguns.

I only got a Guillotine Gun later.

A guillotine gun was a special form of bladed projectile weapon. The projectile would not have as much freedom in trajectory as a regular bullet: the blades were for decapitation, the victim restrained by a portable Lunette. Strapped to a portable board once the body was paralyzed, the preist would guide their soul into the afterlife, if they were not already atheistic. Whether Anna-Marie was Spanish or French, it no longer mattered: she was a child, and so was I. Despite not wanting to watch another girl die, my paralysis allowed her to leave me behind.

A left my only love in hell.

In a world behind.

She was such a quiet girl, and I never understood her tendency to avoid talking to me during the hours in which both of us would be up. We were both insomniacs, but lived in somewhat different time zones. And much of the time she was visit family up in Montagna. These were the hours I would spend writing, or imagining myself riding fictional horses under the sunset, with her riding behind on my back. But instead we both rode the rail less train tracks across different parts of the united states, splitting off our lives at the knee. Why she chose to come back to the old country of Tennessee, was never something I ever understood.

The Americas, after the war, borrowed significant amount of French culture, one of which involved executing foreign nationals au contraire to international law. This meant she was at constant risk of being recaptured; like an outlaw in the wild, robbing different banks across the country. Anything to keep her from being apprehended in her own home country, where the corpses of her dead brothers and father still lay behind, and her sister Ursula never forgiving her for this sin. There was a chance she would be murdered again.

While I still masturbated, to girls being beheaded on the guillotine. But not really wanting them to be dead. I watched movies about alien invaders, and wondered how much, if people knew the reality of my own fetish and kinks, whether I would be treated in the same way as her. Despite her more numerous experience in the deserts across the old empire. The empire that once housed an land far more expansive than the Roman empire, and yet lasted for a shorter time frame, do the greed of man, and the coming of the Nuclear Bomb. Much of the world, after World War III, became a vast open desert expanse.

When back in Tennessee, we would go to bowling alleys, go to movies together. And very occasionally she would give me a foot job with her Birkenstock Boston Clogs she wore barefoot, and give me lovely blow jobs under a mistletoe tree when our parents were not home. We had just graduated high school. And I knew that my mom would not be back in town for a while, so I thought. One blow job would not hurt. Unzipping, tee shirt ripping. My wrists tied to the edges of the bed, the feeling of masturbation lotion in the homestead. But no dog collars, under the flow of soft L.E.D. lights.

She only stood in the pillory, when she stole those pair of Birkenstocks, and that's when they finally pursued the other investigation, that resulted in the death of most of her family members. Thus my family was called on the scene.

posted by JustSarah @ 22nd Sep 2018, 9:37 PM